Part of coming to the conclusion that I am an addict and getting involved in recovery work presented the word "powerlessness". At first it was part of the first step coming to realize that we are powerless over (insert behavoir here) and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Well turns out I'm powerless over just about everything except for the choices I make. Take for example my big recovery weekend planned for last Friday through Sunday in Arizona that ended up falling apart late thursday night after my flight was cancelled due to weather. Ok powerless over wheater as well, check that off the list.
The choices piece has been somewhat tricky. I did choose to go to a 12-step meeting, call friends, meet someone from recovery for coffee, and share my feelings of sadness over not being able to attend the event I planned. But I also made the choices to act out on Friday, Sunday, and today my inner circle behavoirs.
I'm wavering at the moment between feeling the need to check back into inpatient and also simultaneously feeling like I am just a few choices away from having my recovery take center stage. I have to say I am feeling very stuck and a little confused on exactly what to do next.
I did get my first follower today on the blog! I'm hopeful what I'm writing for myself is also of use to others.
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Welcome to the blogosphere, Camel. Congratulations on finding a place to share your recovery and getting the thoughts inside your head out in black and white where they not only make more sense for you, but also help the rest of us understand ourselves better.
ReplyDeleteI very much relate to what you wrote about feeling stuck between the idea of checking back into rehab and feeling as if your recovery is about to soar. For me, this is a result of having lived parallel lives for so long. I am very much in tune with each part of my thinking process -- my lower self, my higher self and the part of me that doesn't have a clue as to what is going on. One day at a time I am connecting the pieces of my puzzle and becoming more whole. I think as you continue to write and recover, the same is likely to happen for you.
Thank you for your comments, they are appreciated. I do look forward to writing and reading more. I'm working on getting 100% honest in all parts of my life, starting by being 100% honest on the blog is a start. Even with the anonymity honesty here is still terrifying!!
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