Doing more of what causes me pain

There is something to the statement that ignorance is bliss. Once upon a time I could let the anxiety build, isolate, act out, and plug back into life for a little while and then repeat. Today my awareness that what I'm doing is actually counter productive plus the fact I continue to do it anyway is astounding and seems to add extra layers of shame and sadness.

I'm coming to believe that numero uno on the sh*t list of top issues is unrelenting and vicious internal self criticism about my body. Weight and shape in particular. It's been present since as early as I can remember. Feeling fat, no problem let me run to Starbucks or grab some Mcdonalds or perhaps plow a dozen cookies. That will help for sure. Oh wait I'm worse maybe looking at porn, flirting, or paying someone will solve my problems. Ehhh...wrong again. I've run over 300 miles in the past 5 months and I've gained 12 pounds. Wow. Each day I open my eyes and think my body is so bad that I must isolate from other people because it's simply too painful to let them see me. It's also tough because I lost 100lbs to go from 300lbs to 200lbs and now I've put 50 back on.

The reality of the situation is that I'm not horrible or ugly or something that people can't stand to look at. I am glad I can feel a sense inside me growing that is so fed up with the BS I'm ready to put on the boots and starting kicking ass. I am worth something. I am worth treating my body well with diet and exercise. I am worth something. I am worthy enough to spend time with other people without fear of judgement. I am worthy enough to get up in the morning only to be excited for what I can make of the day.

I am tired of being my own judge and jury. I do not have to choose to continually abuse myself. My family love me, my friends care, and I love myself to let go of old ways and to begin new ways.