Powerlessness

Part of coming to the conclusion that I am an addict and getting involved in recovery work presented the word "powerlessness". At first it was part of the first step coming to realize that we are powerless over (insert behavoir here) and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Well turns out I'm powerless over just about everything except for the choices I make. Take for example my big recovery weekend planned for last Friday through Sunday in Arizona that ended up falling apart late thursday night after my flight was cancelled due to weather. Ok powerless over wheater as well, check that off the list.

The choices piece has been somewhat tricky. I did choose to go to a 12-step meeting, call friends, meet someone from recovery for coffee, and share my feelings of sadness over not being able to attend the event I planned. But I also made the choices to act out on Friday, Sunday, and today my inner circle behavoirs.

I'm wavering at the moment between feeling the need to check back into inpatient and also simultaneously feeling like I am just a few choices away from having my recovery take center stage. I have to say I am feeling very stuck and a little confused on exactly what to do next.

I did get my first follower today on the blog! I'm hopeful what I'm writing for myself is also of use to others.

Jerking Pain Away?

I just finished masturbating and while it is most certainly better than going to see those prostitutes I was thinking about it really registered just how rooted the act of masturbation was in shame. I specifically seek pornography that hits very specific insecurities/shame and then masturbate to it. The crazy thing about it is that I know each time I do this and orgasm it makes the shame bond stronger. What a mess. I need healty fantasy for masturbation. I don't know what healthy fantasy is. Masturbation to thoughts of being loved? Uhhh....I don't even know where to start with that one.

My acting out sexually with other people seems to be one of three key varities. Acting out sexually with men and/or transexuals (male to female) is an act that repeats the multiple instances of sexual abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of males. It's like repeating a scene from a movie over and over and over and over and well you get the idea. This variety is deeply rooted in shame.

The second variety of acting out I engage in is soothing. This almost always takes on the form of visiting a sexual massage provider and/or seeking GFE types where the optimal experience is one where I will be touched, loved, and cared for. And while I have met some very kind women this way and the shame/despair is less than other forms this is an illusion. This is not real intimacy or love. Even when "chemistry" has been right it's more likely two desperate people acting out the illusion through short term intensity.

Last but not least is the variety where I try to get the attention of women, date them, and have sex with them regardless of whether or not I am actually interested in them. This is all about validating that members of the opposite sex "want" me. That I'm attractive, that I'm loveable.

I want love and acceptance. I will continue to seek it. I will work on providing it to myself. I do not have to engage in sexual acting out of any kind to get it. People can love and accept me and it has nothing to do with sex. It is ok to be vuneralbe with others.

Steps Forward, Steps Back, No 12 Steps Yet!

Crossed my inner circle several times this week including big ones today and on Thursday. This is mixed with other smart moves like starting to shut down loopholes that enable me to act out and keep it secret easily. I traded in my wi-fi enabled phone for something basic and next up is no computer access via home unless my spouse is willing to hang in the office with me. God I feel like I'm 8 but in some ways I guess when I act out I am around 12. After the computers I'll be handing over budgeting responsibilities which will make it hard to hide cash withdrawals and also ask my mobile provider to start sending detailed bills so any calls I make are also visible.

But these things aside I really believe the path to the next step forward is going to be to get serious about meetings, daily action/work, and giving it up to my higher power. I have a problem, I believe my higher power can help, but I just bounce back to powerlessness instead of breaking through.

I am perfectly imperfect and I am worthy of choices that honor my values, my family, and my visions for the future.

Doing more of what causes me pain

There is something to the statement that ignorance is bliss. Once upon a time I could let the anxiety build, isolate, act out, and plug back into life for a little while and then repeat. Today my awareness that what I'm doing is actually counter productive plus the fact I continue to do it anyway is astounding and seems to add extra layers of shame and sadness.

I'm coming to believe that numero uno on the sh*t list of top issues is unrelenting and vicious internal self criticism about my body. Weight and shape in particular. It's been present since as early as I can remember. Feeling fat, no problem let me run to Starbucks or grab some Mcdonalds or perhaps plow a dozen cookies. That will help for sure. Oh wait I'm worse maybe looking at porn, flirting, or paying someone will solve my problems. Ehhh...wrong again. I've run over 300 miles in the past 5 months and I've gained 12 pounds. Wow. Each day I open my eyes and think my body is so bad that I must isolate from other people because it's simply too painful to let them see me. It's also tough because I lost 100lbs to go from 300lbs to 200lbs and now I've put 50 back on.

The reality of the situation is that I'm not horrible or ugly or something that people can't stand to look at. I am glad I can feel a sense inside me growing that is so fed up with the BS I'm ready to put on the boots and starting kicking ass. I am worth something. I am worth treating my body well with diet and exercise. I am worth something. I am worthy enough to spend time with other people without fear of judgement. I am worthy enough to get up in the morning only to be excited for what I can make of the day.

I am tired of being my own judge and jury. I do not have to choose to continually abuse myself. My family love me, my friends care, and I love myself to let go of old ways and to begin new ways.

Day Zero

I am an addict. My three main addictions throughout life have been sex, sugar, and smoking. I have a spouse who was smart enough to "discover" some of what was going on in late 2008 and it has given me the chance to be honest with myself about what I am.

The question now is will I live in recovery or will I accelerate my march towards death and sadness through secrecy and shame? I do not yet know the answer. As part of my work in recovery I have decided to use this blog as an outlet to get and stay current. I hope to attract those in recovery and those with a desire to be sober as regular readers and contributors. My entire life has been about isolation and avoidance.

I am good enough for sobriety. I am worthy enough to treat myself with respect and dignity. So are you.