Ok, I've really seen it all. An article that talks about sexual addiction in a fairly straightforward and serious manner on the CNN homepage. http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/02/25/ep.sex.addiction.woods/index.html?hpt=C2
I was amazed listen to Tiger give his press conference and was very hopeful and apprehensive to see how the public in general would react. I have no idea if he's a true addict or not, I'm not him and have no way of knowing. Regardless it was amazing how powerful my emotional response was to his speech and the media frenzy around it. Is there some hope that the public finally starts to recognize the deep and dark sexual dysfunction that exists as a result of trauma or other reasons? Whatever the end result I felt and still feel validated by it all.
Mixed week, lost sobriety last night while on business trip. Didn't want to engage even as I did in the inner circle behavoir. The whole thing felt disguisting from start to finish. Maybe that's progress. I think it is.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Hungry Ghost
The hungry ghost a term I've run into recently and boy does it sure fit me like a glove. I have a mouth the size of a needle and a stomach the size of a mountain. A metaphor for how I futilely attempt to fulfill the the bottomless void of need within.
In my case I believe I'm not worth enough or good enough so that others would value, appreciate, love, and care for me. I believe it so strongly that each day I do my best to try to avoid those thoughts (which are accompanied by massive amounts of shame and pain) and to engage in activities that help sooth the pain.
The volume of shame and pain is so great I have always and still continue to detach from life as it seems way to scary to stay present. I spend significant amounts of time seeking attention from women and using that attention to validate I'm "ok" when I get it and when i don't as evidence I'm defective. I use women for relationships and sexual massage in place of real love and care. I masturbate to pornography that depicts men with extremely large penises out of shame I'm not built that way. I find transexual prostitues (or men) with the largest penises I can find to perform oral sex on (mostly) or recieve anal sex (less so) out of shame that I am not built that way and therefore inadequate sexually.
The volume right now is so loud. I've acted out my inner circle behavoirs with frightening regularity over the past month. I just want to wake up one day and simply be and be ok with things exactly as they are.
In my case I believe I'm not worth enough or good enough so that others would value, appreciate, love, and care for me. I believe it so strongly that each day I do my best to try to avoid those thoughts (which are accompanied by massive amounts of shame and pain) and to engage in activities that help sooth the pain.
The volume of shame and pain is so great I have always and still continue to detach from life as it seems way to scary to stay present. I spend significant amounts of time seeking attention from women and using that attention to validate I'm "ok" when I get it and when i don't as evidence I'm defective. I use women for relationships and sexual massage in place of real love and care. I masturbate to pornography that depicts men with extremely large penises out of shame I'm not built that way. I find transexual prostitues (or men) with the largest penises I can find to perform oral sex on (mostly) or recieve anal sex (less so) out of shame that I am not built that way and therefore inadequate sexually.
The volume right now is so loud. I've acted out my inner circle behavoirs with frightening regularity over the past month. I just want to wake up one day and simply be and be ok with things exactly as they are.
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