Jerking Pain Away?

I just finished masturbating and while it is most certainly better than going to see those prostitutes I was thinking about it really registered just how rooted the act of masturbation was in shame. I specifically seek pornography that hits very specific insecurities/shame and then masturbate to it. The crazy thing about it is that I know each time I do this and orgasm it makes the shame bond stronger. What a mess. I need healty fantasy for masturbation. I don't know what healthy fantasy is. Masturbation to thoughts of being loved? Uhhh....I don't even know where to start with that one.

My acting out sexually with other people seems to be one of three key varities. Acting out sexually with men and/or transexuals (male to female) is an act that repeats the multiple instances of sexual abuse I suffered as a child at the hands of males. It's like repeating a scene from a movie over and over and over and over and well you get the idea. This variety is deeply rooted in shame.

The second variety of acting out I engage in is soothing. This almost always takes on the form of visiting a sexual massage provider and/or seeking GFE types where the optimal experience is one where I will be touched, loved, and cared for. And while I have met some very kind women this way and the shame/despair is less than other forms this is an illusion. This is not real intimacy or love. Even when "chemistry" has been right it's more likely two desperate people acting out the illusion through short term intensity.

Last but not least is the variety where I try to get the attention of women, date them, and have sex with them regardless of whether or not I am actually interested in them. This is all about validating that members of the opposite sex "want" me. That I'm attractive, that I'm loveable.

I want love and acceptance. I will continue to seek it. I will work on providing it to myself. I do not have to engage in sexual acting out of any kind to get it. People can love and accept me and it has nothing to do with sex. It is ok to be vuneralbe with others.